I DON'T EXIST

Dear 2.10,
I know you’re not interested in anything I have to say but we’re adults and we should communicate like it. I told my self I’d never again be anywhere I did not exist but here I am. Not only is what’s inside me not welcome, it’s not even acknowledged. I have never and would never laugh at you, ridicule you, or blow you off. I reserve those things for people I hold in zero regard. But after 5 mos of working on this, in 5 short seconds I was set back 3 yrs just for getting up the courage to try and exchange the tiniest bit of something inside me.

People who care about each other go out of their way to protect each others well being. Yet you haven’t had 5 min to make your house a safe place where I’m not haunted every time I turn around, whether it’s to get a pencil off your desk, or do laundry, or put something in your glove box, or take a shower. But there’s always more than 5 min for watching tv, or getting high, or cleaning the house, or doing laundry, or complaining; a bold statement that nothing about me is important beyond what I can do for you.

You have to get back to the bar because your ex-bubble head is coming over for lunch while I’m out running down a phone book 35 miles away in order to set up a Dr.’s appt for you?? Are you f'ng kidding me? And you blow ME off? Explain. And you know, if I had an ex-boyfriend, and they came into your bar and performed as she did and had me on the phone, I’d have made certain they knew what a colossal piece of shit they were and would never speak to them again. But no, you shrugged that off as my problem. I am in a constant state of trying to help you feel better inside and find it somewhat incredulous that you don’t have the slightest inclination to do the littlest bit of that for me. I, me, inside, I do not exist. What an awful way for anyone to feel. I hope you never experience it.

You promised 5 mos ago when you laid a 4 hr conversation on me that we would communicate as adults even though we knew it would be hard. We MUST do that. I can’t not disintegrate in a situation where what’s inside me is of no value. Who can? But that’s what’s demonstrated to me. Words mean nothing when actions don’t agree. I am rapidly deteriorating. I feel myself withdraw and it’s the last thing I want to do but insignificance does that to a person. No one should feel that way. Insignificance and being treated like a second class citizen who should be thrilled with the crumbs they’re tossed puts people in institutions, and you know it.

I’m SORRY that you had a shitty example of a relationship growing up but plenty of people did and plenty choose not to duplicate it. It’s a choice. No it’s not easy. Yes reprogramming ourselves takes work. If it’s important we do the work. If it’s not we don’t. “I can’t” is an excuse that means it’s not important. “I can’t” are the two lamest words ever invented. The worst part is when we use them we reinforce the lie. Garbage in garbage out.

I don’t champion myself often but I honestly think, and please let me know where you don’t agree with me here, I honestly think I have been monumentally accepting and compassionate, I dig deep to understand, I do everything I can to withstand a constant acid bath of nastiness and negativity, I bend over backwards to choose my words delicately and tip toe around your defensiveness, I listen endlessly to dramatized irrational railings; I think I am patient, and I think I am ridiculously and unhealthily low maintenance. What do I ask for? A few minutes help to clear a little hurdle? And that gets blown all to hell. So what do I really ask for? It’s not in me but maybe I should. Guys seem to like demanding controlling bitches or superficial bubbleheads so that they never have to operate below the surface. Well that’s not me, and that’s not all guys, and that’s not something beyond our own control.

I said 5 yrs ago that when the time came and you chose recovery I would be here and I am. My word is solid, I don’t make empty promises. I need to salvage what little self esteem I have right now and those are my building blocks. I am the strongest person you will ever meet in this lifetime but I am human which means I’m still destructible. If you want to destroy me then you’re on the right track. If you don’t, we best work together to change it. Little efforts aren’t that hard. Conscious until they become habit yes, but not hard. I think it’s worth it.

I know you grew up preferring the easy way to pretty much anything else, but the things that fall in our laps and are dictated to us by our parents aren't very rewarding. You’re privileged. I’m middle class. You haven’t had to sacrifice and save your pennies in order to attain things like your business or your new wheels or your mortgage. I have since I was 12. It’s awesome. The freedom and autonomy is amazing. I wish there was a way to explain or illustrate how phenomenal it is. I wish you could taste it. If only you could feel what it does inside, how it makes you feel about your self. It’s a great addiction. Easier? No. Satisfying? YES. It’s convoluted but I guess by doing the tough stuff we actually make life easier for ourselves. And once you live it, you can never go back.

UTTERED EARNESTLY

“I love you baby – so much. I’m sorry. Stick with me. I’ll fix this. I promise. I promise.”

- your words when we woke up Friday morning, 6/7/07