IT'S NOT YOUR THING? EXCUSE ME?

Dear 2.10,
“It’s not my thing.” That’s what you said regarding communication with me. I asked if you even wanted to be able to and you don’t know. If there’s no desire to learn to communicate then is there really anywhere for us to go? I feel ugly inside. I hate the questions that come up in me out of fear and insecurity and circumstances. I didn’t get here by myself but apparently that’s how I’m supposed to get out. How can that be?

I listen and comfort and support you endlessly but do you even recognize that this process is taking a toll on me too, that I need you to be there for me too, that it’s wearing me down to ugliness and nothingness? I know you’re aware of changes in me, but you only fault me for them instead of recognizing them as solvable symptoms. Defensiveness, ridicule and blowing me off only make it worse. How can you not see that? How can you not want to do everything you can to help someone you love feel better? I hate things I feel inside but I can’t make it go away without the other half of the equation. Isn’t that what people in relationships do? Help each other work through things? Work to make their relationship better? Isn’t that what it’s all about?

So far this has been about me revolving around your life and problems and issues, and I’m expected to remain unaffected and upbeat and strong. How is that possible when you have me and I have no one? If you’re not interested in helping me progress too, why am I here? I can’t be used as a convenience again. Another 5 years of waking up sick will surely kill me this time, as it almost did a couple times before that you don’t even know about, you weren’t there.

Everything’s great for us until I have 'stuff' come up, stuff that takes effort and compassion to solve and doesn’t go away on it’s own. Then I’m the outcast. That doesn’t make for security. You talk about your business, and houses that are all you need, and what you’re going to do in the future. I feel like I’m an accessory here, spinning my wheels as long as it’s convenient for you.

You spew negativity and bad energy with no regard for where it lands and the degenerative impact it has; on me yes, but even more so on you. You talk karma but you don’t walk it. How do we make our world a better place without being able to talk about this? How do we do anything besides coexist on a superficial level without working together? I don’t get it. Without communicating I don’t have the foggiest what you want or expect aside from what I observe and experience, all of which looks good and propped up for you and puts me in the back seat.
How can a one-way street be appealing?

Why is it ok with you for me to feel like this? And why is it ok for you to punish me for wanting otherwise? Doesn’t that sound twisted to you? How can the remedy seem that difficult? And if I just stay around it continues. I have made more ultimatums and exits than I ever cared to or respected. But here I am again, feeling like a pointless stupid idiot with genuine feelings and deep, deep disrespect for myself.