PUNCHED IN THE GUT AND STILL SITTING ON THE FLOOR (apologetically long)

Dear 2.10,
I am defeated. Completely 100% defeated. I have never devoted every ounce of myself to someone as I have the last 5 years. Not even in my marriage. I am nauseous with humiliation. I am completely blown away. Why would you do this? Why would you fucking do this to us? You set me up. You wanted me confront you. You wanted this. How dare you make me do all the heavy lifting. I’m supposed to be the strong, sound, patient, understanding person while you do whatever you want. Weren’t we past that? You’re so much "better"? Well yes, you traded off drugs for less side effects but the drug seeking and lying is the same. You’re not drug seeking? By definition you exactly are.

I have applauded you and told you I was proud of you and supported you and you have accepted it all while you lie to my face. I gave you props based on invalid information. We were happy and healing based on the same bad info. "Better"? What is better when I told the Dr. we were communicating so much better when in actuality you were just lying better? You’re too good of a liar for me 2.10! And it seems like you’re working very hard at being better at it all the time. It’s colossally manipulative. I mean who has the time and energy to dissect every syllable they hear and action they witness to get to the truth? Who can ever relax when that’s the expectation? If I can’t get an honest answer by looking you in the eye and calmly asking a straightforward question, what’ve we got? What’s anyone got? Do you want to give me a list of ‘honest’ and ‘honesty optional’ topics to go by? This isn’t unique to me. I’m just an average person with pretty damn reasonable expectations. Honesty isn’t an extraordinary request; it’s a very simple prerequisite to anything else. You want me to stay, sit on the couch, and just carry on, business as usual, pretending I’m comfortable? Pretending I’m valuable? Pretending I have any self esteem left? Pretending you haven’t brought crashing back the years you put me below your drugs and foul friends and situations? On what level is that healthy? I mean I can see where it makes life nifty for you if I hang around, but as you haven’t noticed, relationships of any worth are about both parties operating in a mutually beneficial manner. You have quite decidedly chosen not to do that.

You set me up. You got exactly what you wanted when you wanted it. You always do. Yippee for you, another easy exit? What’s most amazing is that after 5 years we’re still having this conversation. This adolescent bullshit is exhausting. Who has time for this kind of drama? Life is flying by, we don’t get to practice and do it again. I believed in you. I actually thought we were building something that had a future; it was so within our grasp. I really thought we were past this. I can’t believe I’m sitting here duped and broken again. It was cruel to let us be happy based on bullshit. You didn’t mean to? Well you certainly didn’t mean not to.

You act like someone is going to swoop in and fix everything for you; us, your finances, your choices. Like some other entity is responsible for what you do. Well nobody can do any of this for you, not even your patriarchal father. I was willing to do what couples do, you know jointly implement a plan to get things in order, share and work together to get to a better place, and I truly think I have more than done my half, which is fine if things are real. Maybe there’s just no vacancy in your partner department. I mean the stuff that couples usually share you already share with your dad. You don’t own your life in so very many ways that maybe you’re not available at all.

Supposing you are doing so much better, do you think that justifies an honesty problem that’s been around as long as ‘we’ have? Nothing justifies that. Nothing. You’ve made excuses, promises and ‘I’m sorry’s’ vapid. You need to think or write or something to come up with words and actions more in-synch and meaningful than those. Or not. I can’t make you. Maybe you don’t want to say anything. Maybe this is just fine with you. I mean our actions always speak louder than our words and yours aren't exactly screaming constructive forward thinking things. Just another passive-aggressive way to get me to do the hard part so you can get what you want and wallow in self pity over the results?

Honest to god I thought we were so far past this. I am dumbfounded and numb in every way except to the heartache. Blown away. I don’t even know what else to call it. Punched in the gut and still sitting on the floor. You blew me off my feet, and I was doing so well. SO well. We were. SO well. I bought it all. Every last bit. You played me good. Dumbfounded. That’s me. Or maybe just dumb. Why? WHY ALL OF THIS? You don’t know? Well nobody but you does know so I guess you better get real honest with yourself because I deserve an adult explanation. I don’t ask for much but I do deserve that. You know, I look at all the evidence and wonder why I even believe when you say you’re interested in salvaging us. I guess I just wish you were which obviously can’t make it so. Maybe you should listen to what your actions are saying.

Damaged? Painfully. But I still love you more than anyone or anything. I apologize for my imperfections but I have risen to the occasion more than I thought myself capable. You don’t want it? Then fucking have the balls to say so (pardon my mouth but I’m at the end of my rope). Because we all deserve someone who thinks we’re worth fighting for, someone who has our back. But how can we do that when you’re the only thing I have to fear?