COMFORT IN STEPS

Dear 2.10,
I miss you. I can only equate this to mourning. Does that mean I’ve passed my personal point of no return? I fear it does but I don’t know right now. I’m not in a physical or emotional place to be drawing definitive conclusions about anything. An argument could be levied for procrastination on my part, and that may be partially true, but my body and mind are far from sound right now; improving daily, but not yet there.

I’m taking steps everyday, physically and emotionally, and I recognize some comfort in that; little premiums placed on myself hint of good. I walk more each day. As long as my body is tolerant, I ask myself if I’ve got anything better to do (roll my eyes at the sarcasm), and keep walking; a little further everyday. So slow it may not qualify as exercise but at least as increasing mobility.

I’m writing again! It’s amazing. These pages are my liberation or path to it. These purgings reek of redundancy and some may say self pity, but in the absence of close friends or a support group or therapist, they are my way of flushing and ruminating, and examining and searching; they are my pressure valve and pursuit of clarity.

I spend hours researching and reading online; about ADD, OCD, GA, addiction, depression, codependence, compulsive lying, attachment, relationships; anything that might help. Regardless the issue, self-education has always been my approach, and I’ve consciously put that back into play. It’s my way of taking action. I never feel as free as when I’m writing. It feels indescribably constructive.

Reading blogs by people with anything relevant to say, discovering common paths and challenges, has been the most enlightening, comforting, and perspective lending element. It lessens the isolation a bit and quells the ‘Am I going crazy?’ feelings. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone but it’s amazing to know people can relate; that our experiences share so many similarities and our situation is far from unique.

So I am actively trying to move out of this emotional paralysis. As much as it feels like once again I’m doing all the work, it’s ultimately me who pays if I don’t.

I pay constant gratitude to a patient universe, whose skills of listening and absorption and guidance go unmatched. I wish so many good things for you, but more than anything 2.10, I wish that you could experience the same. There’s nothing like it, and there’s no going back. Best of all, it’s ours for the taking.