I CAN'T DO 'FURTHER TO FALL'

Dear 2.10 –
I wonder. I spend countless hours researching and studying and working towards understanding what you’re going through and what can be done and how you can cope and how I can support. Do you spend even a minute wondering what I’m going through? Researching, studying, or trying to understand my load? Wondering how severely I’m broken this time? Wondering if you’ve finally breached my point of no return? Have you ever considered that? I doubt it. “You’re gonna have to figure it out for yourself,” you say. Nice.

I’m gonna have to figure it out for myself. Huh. Well, I can’t. I CAN’T. CANNOT. No one ‘in’ a partnership can, it defies the definition. If I’m to figure out ‘us’ myself then I guess I’m even more single than you would on the surface have it seem.

But all in all, I really am single aren’t I? I’m a companion, the body that keeps you from being alone all the time, but it’s your dad you plan and manage your life with. You guys decide where you live, your work, what you drive, heck he's talking about what kind of water treatment you WILL put in your house some day. HE OWNS YOUR SIGNATURE! You believe every changing thing that comes out of his mouth regardless of whim, subjectivity, or basis in fact, and you let it decide your life. A life which you supposedly share with me but really it’s really just parallel lives we’re leading isn’t it? How convenient and devoid of responsibilities that is for you.

You’re ‘so much better’? In a sense. True you quit doing certain drugs, but you threaten our relationship and hurt me with the same lies and actions as when you weren’t ‘so much better’; so really, what is gained for me here? Granted you’re not playing Russian Roulette with your body everyday, but how about the underlying emotional behaviors and thought patterns? I mean, what do we have to look forward to as you get even ‘better’ if you’re ‘so much better’ now and this ridiculousness still exists? Further to fall when we repeat this nonsense? I can't do further to fall. Further to fall suggests that I can get back up from this one and remain here, and we don't know that yet. I don't know. And I'm clawing and crying to know how to know.