I HAVE SO MUCH TO GIVE

Dear 2.10,
I have so much to give and I miss giving it. Humor, uplift, energy, tidbits of information, empathy, encouragement, sweet goofiness; I miss it all. This is not me. This runs so completely counter to my giving, affectionate nature. It’s like swimming upstream but the torrent, akin to a voluntary muscle, a protective reflex, wins now. It’s hardwired. Interfering would mean losing and eye, or getting hit by a bus. The equivalent of what has happened each time I’ve overrode the system on your behalf.

Each override has occurred after increasing intervals of distance as each swipe cut deeper compounded by the last. How long the numb, empty sadness this time? How long to get my feet under me where you’re concerned? Ever? It’s strange, but I don’t even feel myself trying. Defeat is what I feel. Punched in the gut and still sitting on the floor, but this time with a white flag in my hand. Maybe the temporary lack of physical wherewithal is contributing, or maybe I truly am defeated. I’m not sure. I'm truly not sure this time.

P.S. - You know what's the biggest shame? I'm not the only one with so much to give, so are you. You have SO much to give, and are much more so than I in certain ways right now, but withdrawal has dampened my ability to receive and reciprocate, which undermines both of our efforts. What a ridiculous shame and waste of two people who do love each other.