I MISS

Dear 2.10,
It’s like a vacuum has sucked me backwards into some deep dark hole. I want to reach out for you but invisible shackles bind. It’s a strange sensation. It’s like a puppy snubbed on the nose when it moves toward the light. I don’t give myself permission to smile, joke, or interact. I contribute nothing. Have you noticed? Or is it easier this way when to have all those things flowing would bring with them questions, curiosities, and fears? It strikes me as impossible to shut down certain areas while maintaining a healthy existence in others. Our system, running consciously, is an interconnected whole; you can’t exterminate an element without disrupting others. If only. It’s quite imaginable I’d have no problems if that were possible.

I don’t know how to reach beyond the void. I don’t seem to be bouncing back this time. I’m clearly not some Bobo doll springing up after repeated punches; or maybe I was but the deflation of chronic incidents has left nothing but an unresponsive pile of decorated plastic that is now me. I miss you. I miss me. I miss feeling like we were on our way to something. I miss.