I'M AFRAID OF YOU

Dear 2.10,
I’m afraid of you. I wonder if that ever crosses your mind and how it feels. Is it powerful? Does your patriarchal, chauvinistic upbringing suggest this is appropriate male/female relations? I am afraid of you. Do you get that? My heart is afraid of you. Loving anyone hands over the power to wound and I can’t trust you won’t. Do you realize there’s not even a hint of relationship in that statement? How does anyone reconcile that with the sweet, loving presence of daily life? How can we ever be healthy if that’s the yin and I never know when the yang will show up? Do you have the first clue how confusing and deeply disturbing this is?

The dull ache remains as the razor edged pain of the latest infraction subsides. Naturally this is when I begin to relax back into the normalcy of laughing, sharing, and affection; but I’m afraid and I hold back. I’m afraid to let myself enjoy anything, as if it’s easier to have nowhere to fall. But what kind of existence is that? I know we could be goofing and having fun and enjoying each others company, but it’s like my arms are tied at my sides in this deep dark hole and there’s a numbing protective buffer that filters everything down to a murmur. And I’m aware of it. And this deep, awful sadness accompanies it as I watch myself. It’s such a loss. Is it a greater or lesser loss than subscribing to you once again as if honesty was a reasonable and mutual expectation? This is what I don't know.