LUCKY YOU

Dear 2.10,
How is it you never pay a price for the ‘us’ damaging decisions you make? How are you immune to the consequences? You just carry on as if you dropped no bomb, as if we’re right where we were before you did. As long as I don’t bring it up life’s peachy for you. You don’t have to get through your day nauseous. You don’t have to survive 13 rounds between your head and your heart. You don’t have to fear the free radicals coursing through your system wondering where they’ll settle next. You don’t have to wrestle your esteem out of the ditch. You get away with doing whatever the f** you feel like once again. This is dandy if you’re solo, but Dr. Jekyll says you’re not. You don’t even have the conversation you promised, or deliver the letter you’d supposedly started. You give me a card like plenty before and think that miraculously absolves the fundamental crevasse you’ve reinforced. Aside from ease and convenience for you, how can you just cruise along knowing you’ve left me carrying this around? How do you jeopardize ‘us’ so casually and act like we’re great, as if you can repeat this juvenile bullshit over and over, call it reasonable, and expect anyone to be unaffected? How does any of this strike you as acceptable? And how do you leave all the heavy lifting of addressing things to me banking that I won’t? How do you live with this? How do you do it?

How do I recognize this as wrong, painfully immature, and quite possibly passive-aggressive and not act? Why do I still feel deeply connected when you call or appear regardless of this health devouring damage? Where is my backbone? Am I simply the your very biggest enabler? What version of judgment is necessary here? And how do we weigh the black and the white when they’re not? If only things were as simple as third party assessments would make them.