TRANSLATING SYMPTOMS

Dear 2.10,
I know you don’t have the foggiest idea what’s going on with me so let me try my best to explain. My reactions, over-reactions, withdrawal, quietness, seeming control-seeking, and “mowing over” behaviors are my fear, hurt, and multitude of uncertainties stuffed just below the surface and spilling over when tipped. I act like we’re in some future building situation when in reality, we have never discussed that. We discuss trips we’d like to take, but we don’t discuss fundamentals of coexistence or anything. We are companions who lead parallel lives.

I do apologize for my projections, and they are many. I tore out a quote the other day that said “What you don’t see with your eyes don’t invent with your heart.” And it struck me that’s exactly what I’ve done. We’ve never discussed any future-building and I was acting as if we had. A couple months ago I had myself completely convinced. So you see, even though the situation I believed existed didn’t, my hurts and fears remain hard to shake. I’m in my shell and react like some caged animal with a compound fracture, I know it. I hate it. I hate myself for the role I’ve played in putting me here. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt worse about myself. See I don’t know how to know anything between us since I can’t ask with an expectation of truth, and I don’t know how to go on like that. Under the circumstances, I have legitimate questions to ask in an effort to feel better, or understand, or at least know what is so I can plan my life, but I’m not allowed. Is it any wonder I feel like I’m in some directionless holding pattern?

I, possible though not likely, could’ve died last month. I don’t know why my brain’s having such a hard time wrapping itself around that but it’s eerie to me that I’ve been telling you for the past year that it feels like life is slipping away, just days expiring one after the other, and then they almost slipped completely. We have no direction and I guess that’s an invaluable marker to me. Sure I can get direction on my own but that would forego you and I love you. We don’t feel grounded again; we did (my fantasy couple months), but we don’t now. I know, you told me to figure it all out for myself, but apparently I can’t if I’m in this. And is that really fair? Have you ever wondered how many times you could break me? Have you ever wondered if there was a point of no return where I wouldn’t be able to put myself back together again? Has it even crossed your mind?

I’m trying to make life decisions here; these are our lives, this is important. In my mind and your words and actions this is clearly more than a dating relationship, hence the impact, but is it? Maybe that’s just another delusion. How can this be great on the surface with such major chinks in the foundation? I don't understand their ability to coexist. Regardless, I put my every last bit and all into this last round. I held nothing back. I handed over compassion and understanding I didn’t know I was capable of, believing the results. Are you seriously surprised after the road we’ve been down that my comfort level and trust haven’t just sprung back this time? I mean I know you think they should because you said you were sorry and it would make you feel better, but do you honestly think that’s realistic? I know on the surface you’re doing everything you can, but why at this point do I have so many questions? I’m trying to get an accurate account of us (without knowing the good I’m sure an outsider would find it embarrassingly obvious). There are some things I need explained, and I need you to tell me how to go about being comfortable with them. To begin….