WHAT'S IT REALLY WORTH TO YOU

Dear 2.10,
Maybe you could put your Dr. on the spot for some ideas. You know, get your moneys worth instead of passively rendering him a scrip’ writer by asking no questions and putting responsibility on your meds. Maybe you could ask him how to rebuild trust and relationship damage. Maybe you could probe him about what I, your primary relationship, might be going through and what can be done. What about exploring the sensation of coming clean by telling him what was (is?) really going on with your supposed improvement. Tell him how you don’t consider overindulgence self medicating as long as your name’s on the label. Tell him how you can and do get all the meds you want from another doctor too. Tell him how polished you’ve gotten at looking me in the eye and lying, time after time after time and don’t feel a thing when doing it. Tell him how you think I’m responsible for dealing with the impact of that on my own regardless of the chronic nature and long history. And since I am the biggest enabler in your life, or at least tied with your dad, ask him if you’d be better off if I left. I mean you do this over and over; I remain or come back, what can possibly be learned, right? And how can you possibly respect what’s left of me? I’m a shell. And I know it. And it sickens me.

What can I possibly look forward to if you reserve this as reasonable and at your convenience? Does he think anything healthy can come out of your apparent entitlement to that? Does he think smoking pot once in awhile (right) because you can’t handle the ‘stuff’ that is life isn’t that big of deal? If so he obviously isn’t taking into consideration an accurate history and the repercussions it’s had on your life and the health of this relationship and the individuals involved. Why don’t you tell him about that? I mean you’re paying for him, and this is your recovery. What’s it really worth to you? What are we really worth to you?